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About Jens
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Why Duelling Should Be LegalizedWe are a nation of liars. Fortunes are made and nations now conquered on the backs of outrageous lies. We are governed by the professional classes, the most respected members of our society -- MBAs, lawyers, CEOs -- professional liars, all. (The American university system is designed to teach one lesson to its students, and only one: how to lie.) A man has two tools to display his manliness, to show how big a dick he has: deeds of daring through violence and lies. The banishment of violence has left man with no alternative but to sharpen his tongue for battle: in the courts, the office, the media, in his own home. With the banishment of violence comes the wilting death of honor. Few now can bear that word without a laugh. Honor? What is that? How embarrassing. Something from the Middle Ages, right? Bringing up honor leaves us feeling uncomfortable, vaguely sensing there is something wrong, unable to put our finger on what ills us. Honor signifies that means do not justify the ends; that a man's good name is based on his methods, not his results; and that a good name unjustly smeared is worth fighting and dying for. Consider the following scenarios. A man finds out another man seduced his girlfriend. He challenges the man to a duel. The seducer, knowing that if he does not fight will be seen as cowardly and dishonored, must fight. The wronged man shoots and kills him. The wronged man's girlfriend will, in the future, have the good sense not to cheat on him, unless she wants her next lover to be killed on the duelling field like the first one was. A man kills his wife, hires a fancy lawyer and gets himself acquitted. The father of the victim challenged the accused to a duel and kills him. In the future murderers will know simply winning the lying contest known as a trial will not be enough, they may have to face down the gun barrel of an angry relative of the victim. A large corporation is found to be polluting a nearby river. Hundreds of people have sickened and many people are developing strange and unusual cancers. One man, whose family has died, challenges the CEO of the corporation to a duel, and kills him. In the future corporate management will take care before "accidentally" dumping toxic chemicals into the local rivers and streams, all in the name of profit. As I am not a lawyer it remains unclear whether enacting statutes permitting and regulating duelling should be done on a state-by-state basis or at the federal level. As opinion is likely to vary from state to state, and it is generally easier to bribe a state legislator than a federal one (oh for the good ol' days), it will probably make more sense to implement this at the state level. Special duelling fields will need to be set up where men may fight without stray bullets venturing beyond its confines. An armed sheriff or police officer will need to be in attendance to inspect the weapons and ensure a fair fight; firing before the signal is given shall be punishable by being shot down by the presiding police officer. Depending on each state's tastes, each dueller should be permitted only one, two, or three bullets in their pistol; a duel with 15-shot automatic handguns would most likely result in mutually assured destruction, which is not the point of duelling at all. (Although special "duel-to-the-death" statutes could also be enacted, if you were, say, a legislator in Texas.) One of the thorniest questions involved in the legalization of duelling is the question, must a man challenged to a duel fight the duel? That is, may a man be forced to fight a duel, or, say, all his property be forfeit? Most people would probably say avoiding a fight to the death is a smart thing to do. Under our current moral code, there would be no stigma attached to refusing to fight a duel -- instead of the coward being dishonored, he'd be slapped on the back for "doing the smart thing". Such a scenario would, of course, completely neutralize the desired effects duelling would have. Therefore I must conclude laws must be implemented mandating that a man challenged to a duel must fight. There would need to be some sort of exemption to this for our elected officials, or else Congress would be quickly depopulated and the White Houses constantly changing occupants. I would propose that, much as members of Congress and the President are exempt from ordinary prosecution while in session, they be also made exempt from being required to accept a duel while in office. (However the moment they leave office they would no longer be bound by this statute, so they should think long and hard about how they conduct themselves in office.) There should, of course, be a waiting period; say, two weeks. Let the challenger be sure a duel is desired. This will also give both a chance to practice their marksmanship before the final day. Inevitably the feminist is going to pop up asking why I have only used the male pronoun in this essay. But don't worry, ladies, I propose there be an equal system of duelling for women. First, men and women will not be permitted to duel -- just because he dumped you doesn't give you the right to shoot him. Rather, I propose that special ladies' duelling rings be set up. No firearms or pointy objects will be permitted; rather, these duelling rings will contain bleachers, so that we may watch female contestants settling their differences by pulling each others' hair and clawing each others' eyes out. The winner would, of course, receive any proceeds, minus that local jurisdiction's fees. The use of seconds would no longer be necessary. Originally seconds were present to ensure a fair fight, and assist the wounded; but this function would more reasonably fall to the presiding sheriff and an ambulance waiting outside the arena. The re-introduction of duelling will put a damper on the excesses of unfettered, unchecked laissez-faire capitalism; reduce infidelity and the transmission of AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases; teach a whole new generation the value of honor; and cut enormous amounts of waste out of our judicial system. Write to your state and federal legislators now and tell them you want duelling legalised! |